Fried Butter

Ahh butter, one of the most ubiquitous foods in all of cooking! Nearly anything, both savory and sweet can be enhanced once this delicious dairy product is added in. So here's a question not many people know the answer too: what exactly is butter? Most of us have heard the butter churner, where a saintly pilgrim wife will sit at the churning thingy and crank away till a perfect little bar of butter pops out! This process separates the milk fat from milk itself and creates butter, skim milk, and buttermilk. Butter is actually around 85% milk fat! That's right, so if you think your being so good when you put non-fat milk in your morning coffee and butter your toast with enough churned fat to sink a canoe, your actually just replacing all that milk fat you saved in the coffee! Great job Einstein!

So there folks you have one of the first educational sections of preposterous food, unless you count our recipes as educational. We don't.

Truly, is there any greater sight than butter Ben Franklin?

"But Nolan and Adam," you might be saying "why are glorious chefs such as yourselves concerned about such a commonplace food? Butter isn't preposterous?" Well, butter as a singular item isn't preposterous but when you roll it in flour, deep fry it, sprinkle sugar over it, and serve it as a desert, it teeters somewhere between preposterous food and affront to humanity. And that's what we're exploring today, the crusty golden goodness that is deep fried butter!

Yes my dear reader, deep fried butter, quite possibly one of the greatest applications of butter since the ingenious butter stick applicator.

One of the milestones in mankind's inventiveness!

Really it's amazing this food hasn't hit the semi-mainstream market sooner, it's the logical progression of America's degenerating sense of taste and health awareness, and it's magnificent! The simplicity of little butter balls rolled in flour or dough and fried in oil till they create a "crunchy on the outside, abominable on the inside" glob of cholesterol and fat is really quite beautiful! Until you actually see what the finished product looks like, that part is a bit disenchanting.

Butter balls or turds? You decide!

And you can only imagine our joy when we found out that there is a recipe for there little lumps of artery clogging joy online, and it's by Paula Deen! Yes, Paula Deen, the creator of deep fried cheesecake, deep fried macaroni and cheese, and deep fried stuffing on a stick! We consider Paula Deen to be one of the patron saints of Just Preposterous Food, and whenever we make a preposterous dish we set aside a portion as an offering to the preposterous food gods, namely Paula Deen, Colonel Sanders, and Bacon Hitler! Of course, since this recipe requires no bacon, we risk the anger of Bacon Hitler!

Bacon Hitler disapproves of your non-bacon travesty!

And so we end this section of preposterous food, secure in the knowledge that we have made you smarter and more productive members of society. With your new found appreciation of butter and it's less orthodox uses, we're sure you'll live a much richer, though shorter, life! Now we need to go prepare for our own version of fried butter, which may collapse the universe with it's awesomeness! Get ready: We want to take the whole eight tablespoons of churned fat..... deep fry it.... and put it on A STICK!!!!

Oh rapture!

Bacontini

We love bacon here at Preposterous Food, who doesn't?! Bacon could very well be the pinnacle of meat technology, and it's amazing to think that this quintessential comestible is derived from pig's flesh! There's only one downside to bacon, you have to chew it, and chewing can be very taxing on one's jaw! Nobody want's to come home from a long day slaving in the office and then have to chew their food! That's just too much! something blended or mushy would be so much easier to eat, or perhaps.....

LIQUID! That's right children, we've set out to capture the essence of this prime pig portion in liquid form! We spent months attempting to harvest the essential oil of bacon by squeezing it, until someone pointed out that bacon doesn't contain an essential oil. Who knew!

So how does one turn bacon into a suitably preposterous, classy, and delicious beverage you might be asking? Well stop asking so many damn questions so I can explain! You simply add alcohol! Indeed, what can't be made better by the addition of alcohol? We even mix alcohol with more alcohol, that's how great it is! And the motto of Preposterous Foods is Ominus is Bonus Intus Bacon (All is Good Within Bacon) so why not mix these to fundamental flavors into a symphony of tastes that will make your eyes bleed with happiness!

It's happened before, and it was wonderful!

So we set out to make the Bacontini, the greatest cocktail ever conceived in the mind of mortal man! Even greater than the Sourtoe Cocktail, although this doesn't contain any body parts. So let us go ever the grocery list for creating this wonder at home:

-Vermouth, sweet or dry depending on your preference
-Vodka or Gin
-Ice
-Cooked bacon, in a strip or rolled in a ball
-Bacon Bits, or just some crumbled bacon
-Reserve some of the bacon drippings, we'll get to that soon
-A glass and mixer help

All that crap in the back isn't needed, it just adds atmosphere!

First step is to add the ice, gin or vodka, and the vermouth into your mixer. The exact ratio of a good martini isn't something that can be taught, it must be discovered! Everyone has their unique tastes, so we won't attempt to tell you what the right ratio of the perfect martini is, but we will tell you that if you use more than just a splash of vermouth, you are an idiot and we have no respect for you.

This is your brain on the Bacontini

This still life photo is for sale! Only $199.99!

Once you've properly shaken the ingredients we'll move on to the cup! Don't think you can just slop a masterpiece like this into a mug, this drink deserves a chalice worthy of its grandeur! First you'll put a little of the reserve dripping on a plate and place your martini glass upside down on the plate, coating the rim in bacon fat!

Then rim the now greasy glass with bacon bits! This will not only add to the deliciousness of the bacontini, but adds a look that says "I'm confident in my bacon drinking ability!". Your monstrosity should look something like this....

Now simply pour your drink into your glass and garnish with a ball'o'bacon! This creates a subtle, yet powerful flavor that can be enjoyed by the bacon beginner or connoisseur, and is great for any occasion! For a truly amazing bacon drink, use actual bacon vodka, which can be found here: http://bakonvodka.com/

The onion can be added for effect, as long as it doesn't compete with the flavor of the bacon!

We expect to see it in all the trendiest clubs within the month!

Now we were left with extra bacon, bacon fat, and all the makings for a martini. To most people, this would seem like a good time to stop, but we here at Preposterous Food like to go that extra step! And so children, we shall be showing how to make a second drink today, the Dirty Bacontini!

A regular dirty martini is a martini with olive brine added to it to create a more savory flavor and dirty tint. So how does this translate to the Bacontini you ask? BACON FAT! The key to a Dirty Bacontini is the left over bacon fat, which you simply add to the drink at the same time as the alcohol! We only encountered one problem to this method. For bacon fat to remain in a liquid state it must be kept warm, and for a martini to be a martini is must be shaken with ice! The result: the bacon fat re-solidified into fat globules with floated about the drink like soggy cotten balls!

We can't be held responsible for any injury, physical or mental, caused by this drink!

And so with the bacon fat floating about the Bacontini like majestic little cottage cheese icebergs, we decided to scrap the Dirty Bacontini idea and cast the monster down the drain. So dear reader, we hope that this tutorial on the Bacontini has inspired you to look at bacon and alcohol in new ways! Just not in this way...

Kill it with fire!!

Breakfast Sushi

Nine out of seven doctors agree that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it provides your body with the starting nutrition that it needs to carry you through the doldrums of your dull meaningless life. Unless of course you're a preposterous cook, in which case breakfast is the perfect time to mangle otherwise subtly delicious dishes into bacon-filled grease sprees! Which is why we here at preposterous foods have decided to bestow a gift upon you, the gift of breakfast sushi! Quite possible the greatest step forward in breakfast cuisine since butter.... just butter.

Now I know what you're thinking "But sushi is a concoction of rice, algae, and the raw flesh of fish! How is that suitable for breakfast?" Well maybe you shouldn't be such an interrupting jackass and let me finish! Breakfast sushi is a conglomeration (I love that word) of all the best breakfast tastes, namely:

-1 Lb. Bacon
-1 Bag'o'frozen'hash-browns
-6 Eggs
-Sausage in patty or link form
-1 Bucket of cheese
-Salt and pepper

Alrighty! First steps to making your own breakfast sushi is to set your oven to precisely 360F, and not a degree off! Then take two sheet pans and heavily grease one, it's baking time! (similar to bacon time) On the ungreased sheet pan you shall arrange your bacon in a crosshatch patter (google it Einstein) and then whisk together the 6 eggs with salt and pepper and pour them into the greased sheet pan! Now, put both the eggs and bacon into the oven until the bacon is crispy and the eggs begins to form large bubbles (20 to 30 minutes) Your finished products should look something like this:

By adding an X to the bacon, we've made it preposterously pretty!

You should be able to slip a spatula right underneath your eggs and fold them up in a sheet. The corner on ours is exposing itself, cheeky little devil!

While your eggs and bacon are baking, you should be preparing your hash-browns as directed on the packaging and frying up your sausages! We used an electric griddle to accomplish this, as is befitting our professional status!

Once everything has finished cooking, its time to begin assembling your breakfast delight! Start by cutting a sheet of egg slightly larger than your bacon, then place the slab of bacon on the egg like so:

Then slather liberally with hash-browns, as pictured:

Now delicately smush the sausage onto one side of your creation, as you see here:

 
We rolled our breakfast sushi using an intricate system of pulleys somewhat resembling the rigging used on Napoleonic Era warships, but you can make do with your hands. Firmly grasp the sausage end of your sushi with all the strength your little girly hands can muster and gently roll it over with all the care and delicacy you would use with a baby! This should create a tightly packed breakfast burrito, delicious and nutritious, just like the aforementioned baby!

Now simply slice the burrito into four or five sections and garnish with a fistful of cheese or two!

Mmmmm cheesier than Nolan's one liners!

And Voila! You've just made a mess of the kitchen and something for the cat to choke on! This dish not only makes a great breakfast, but a wonderful hors d'oeuvre for undiscerning party goers! And while it is still in the burrito form, this dish can be used for multiple purposes! Such as:

-A doorstop
-A lawn gnome
-A war club
-A pillow
-A peace club
-A rock
-A seal club
And much more!

This could very well be the most versatile food we've ever featured! Which isn't very hard considering it's the second! 

Sourtoe Cocktail

So ladies and gentlemen, we're here today to discuss an absolute abomination in the world of bar-tending! This is a drink that will assuredly make you cry out "Why on God's green earth are Canadians allowed near alcohol?!" A question which has puzzled mankind for many years!

Yes my dear reader, we are talking about the sourtoe cocktail, the only drink to contain a real, fleshy, decomposing human toe!

Yup....... just think about that for a bit!

These are human toes donated to the the Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, Yukon! Slapping down five dollars will give you the sourtoe cocktail and make you an official member of the the exclusive Sourtoe Cocktail Club.

Why donate your body to science or some dumb cause like that when you can choose to have your fresh corpse stripped of it's toes for salty old patrons to down with their whiskey sours! So this is my challenge to you dear reader, go to Yukon and join the exclusive Sourtoe Cocktail Club, and remember, it doesn't count unless the toe touches your lips!

I'll be at home enjoying a nice drink devoid of human extremities!


Feel free to visit the Sourtoe Cocktail Club's website at http://www.sourtoecocktailclub.com/sourtoe.html
At least the music is good!

The Deathburger

So Adam and Nolan were sitting in their large leather chairs one day, enjoying fine cigars and sipping cognac when Nolan cried aloud
"I say Adam! What two foods would you say best describe the American spirit of cookery?"
"Well!" Adam slurred after his 4th snifter "I do believe your referring to the bacon cheeseburger and the pizza!"
"But Pizza is from Italy?" asked Nolan
"Nonetheless!" projected Adam "We stout Americans have perfected the dish!"
"Then" stated Nolan "We should cook these two items, and enjoy them as we watch the races today"
"Or an even better idea!" cried Adam, sloshing cognac about "We should combine the two dishes into a delicious concoction of bacon, burger, pizza, and cheese!"
"I say I say! That sounds marvelous!" Bellowed Nolan, and so began the Deathburger!

We began our quest to make the perfect combination of pizza and burger by gathering together the necessary supplies:

- 1 Lb. ground beef
- 1/2 Lb American (hoo-ra!) cheese
- 2 individual pizzas of your choosing
- 1 pound of bacon
- 1/2 onion

We began by splitting the beef into two separate patties of roughly equal size and shape, next we organized the bacon into a symmetrical mess resting upon a bed of tinfoil on a sheet pan. The first step in cooking was to caramelize the onions by submitting them to low heat for quite a while until dark brown, but not burnt (low and slow baby!) Then set your oven to 350 and put the bacon in once the oven's temperature come to fruition. (or if you have an electric griddle, cook the bacon on that for a crispy round of pork goodness)

Once the bacon and onions are cooking, dust off that poor neglected grill of yours and fire it up, it's time for burgers! Cook the burgers to your desired level of rawness (the more raw, the more manly!) and cook the pizza to the manufacturers specifications. Add the cheese to your burgers and assuming you haven't completely botched the whole process, your component's should be finished and look something like this.....

Now come's the fun part, assembling all the raw materials into a glorious assortment of heart-attack inducing goodness. First, put one burger on your pizza, cheesy side facing up and smother with onions, like so....

After the first stage is assembled, place your bacon hodgepodge on top of the caramelized onions, like so....

Then, place the second patty, cheese side down on top of the bacon situation, and the second pizza on top of that. Now congratulate yourself, you've just created a gorgeous Deathburger, fit for a king! A king with no concern for his cholesterol or sodium intake, and who's not too picky about the queen he ends up with! Your finished product should end up something like this....

Oooohhhh that cheesy goodness!

Now cut your Deathburger as desired and garnish with parsley, or some of those little umbrellas that go in sissy drinks! Whatever make you happy..... sissy!

And so, our quest for the ultimate bacon cheeseburger/pizza thing culminated in the Deathburger! Possibly the greatest culinary invention since sliced bread, but then who are we to judge?

We are cooks, cooks who makes terribly awesome food!